BryanAlvarez
Figure Four Weekly #99 by BryanAlvarez Before I get into this issue which is a tribute to the rise and fall of synchtube superstar BryanAlvarez, I'd like to take a minute to tell all of you what you're missing. For just 10 monthly payments of $99.99 you can have the collection of the archive of the best newsletter in the history of mankind AND the Wrestling Observer. That's a bargain folks. I mean, what else are you neckbeards gonna do? Make a last.fm page and talk about how Lydia Lunch is the most underrated female singer of the post punk underground? Masturbate to El Samurai Tokyo Dome matches? You don't only get the archive of F4W or The Wrestling Observer. You also for a limited time with an added fee of 150 dollars can get not only full color PDF issues of F4W with whatever picture Ed in San Antonio sends me that he took at an airport of Randy Orton leaving a bathroom with his digital camera... you can get PAPER EDITIONS ~~! Signed in my own semen too. Alright kids now onto the issue. The Rise and Fall of BryanAlvarez By BryanAlvarez Synchtubes famous DrHouse synch has been the place where stars go to be born, where dreams come true and where jimmies have been rustled. No star burned as bright in the synch universe as Bryan "Pookie" Alvarez. Bryan wasn't just a star. He was a superstar. Born to the unholy union of ohwooo and Jeff Mangum. He had a weird childhood says his mother. "I knew he was a special boy from the begining" said ohwooo "When I queefed him out of my ripe poop tunnel I saw the white aryan light of greatness hid among the goat semen residue on his forehead but he had such a weird childhood. I mean I get being badly adjusted. His mother is a dial T for Trap and his father was off making the best album since OK Computer according to Pitchfork. I just didn't get him trying to fellate mall santas every Christmas." He was gifted in art and music though. By 18 he recorded the album Sgt Peppers Lonely Ripe Hole Band album which was rated 9/10 by Pitchfork and almost considered on the level of I Got Raped By a Nigger by Torri Amos. Music wasn't his passion though. Wrestling was. First recieving his erotic awakening while watching Jerry Saggs at age 10... he never missed a show. As long as it wasn't WWE because that's fake and gay unlike Japan. He was hesitant to pursue his real passion given his musical success. Finally on the last day of the tour of his concept album I'd Totally Fuck Anne Frank In Her Gas Chamber With a Swastika Condom... he decided it was time to go for the gold. He left his casio keyboard on stage and his leg warmers and went down to Japan to become a superstar. His time in Japan was both profitable and disapointing. He instantly became a big star due to his familarity with strong style pro wrestling but All Japan thought his ideas were a little out of the box. "They say immitation is the greatest form of flattery" says Keiji Mutoh "But I don't think the idea of painting your ass with Great Muta facepaint and shooting brown mist into the mouth of Japanese children is really flattering or a good babyface gimmick. I mean it may be audience participation but c'mon so's raping people. He also wanted to do that though. I had to fire him and send him back to America after he suggested that. He was more crushed by me telling him that it was impossible to tentacle rape people. Great talent though." In his return to America he ended up working in the DrHouse synchtube territory. At first he started as a heel but quickly was turned face given the synchs love for hate crimes. He brought a new boom period in synch with his feud with MikeSasaki where he voiced a generations desires to send the chink back to Canada where he belongs. It seemed all too good to be true. People coming in droves to see his curbstompings and fascinated by the BryanAlvarez race war storyline. He even became a mod but Bryan had one weakness. Jenkem. You see, with superstardom comes ripes and with ripes comes jenkem. Ripes would line up to dump their butthash in buckets for Bryan. It makes sense that born out of a ripe that ripe would be his kryptonite in retrospect. Bryan couldnt resist the ripe. It started with just a little jenkem. Just something to huff. Then it became something to snort. Finally he ended up turning to injecting it. He lost mod and was found on the streets of Utah trying to sell jenkem to a mormon family by saying that "Joseph Smith left butthash out...you dont get it." He disapeared shortly afterwards. Nobody knows what happens but some say that if you say ripe asshole in front of a mirror three times he'll appear with a lighter and try to smoke your asshole. ASPIE Review by Bryan's friend Vince Show opened with Shakelous vs ZeeViolator in your basic squash match. Perfectly fine but I don't get why they bury ZeeViolator right out of the gate. But who cares? Then there was a geek battle royal that some guy named Gunnar won. People will never take a guy with that mask seriously. Team Affirmitive Action Hire fought Inixis and some jobber to a match that SUCKED~~! It was terrible. It went on far TOO long. Finish came with Team Neeg finally pinning Inixis. Gotta keep the blackers strong. TableofJapan and MikeSasaki had the BEST match on this show. I think it was because MikeSasaki is a great wrestler. After all he's from Japan. Mike did the job because it's America. I hope this turns into a push for Mike. SinCama and MoustacheGhost had a... thing in a cage. What the hell was this? I was bored. I was texting Brent about Super China Buffet day and it was over. Remember when cage matches used to mean something? {NAME REDACTED} and ThrillMurray had a tag team match with OhWooo and INotJackieChan . It was FINE. I think Thrill isnt really that over and if he didnt book the fed he wouldn't go over so much. Finish came with {NAME REDACTED} using cheap heat and tapping out Ohwooo. Her contract is running out so it makes sense. She'll go back to ROH (Ripe of Honor). Haitch and MattBinYYC had a Hep C Death match. In the genre of Hep C Deathmatches this was pretty week. Finish came when Haitch pinned Matt after beating him up for a long time. Pretty one sided. Fine though. And the main event was DrCasa vs DrHouse with multiple refs. This was a clusterfuck. Why doesn't any company just keep things SIMPLE anymore? Of course DrHouse went over quickly. He was then attacked by ninjas. I was bored. Thats the end of the show everybody. Factoids *Dislikes MattBinYYC because "NO BI'S!" *Possibly OhWooo's lover *Has CurtHero as an unwilling sex slave *CurtHero secretly loves it *His asshole was rated five stars by Dave Meltzer and compaired to Kenta Kobashi's asshole *In contrast, he rated Meltzer's asshole minus 5 stars due to severe lack of ripeness and the "sloppy" nature of the asshole. Category:Mods